just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
