Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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