Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
