my phone needs a breathalizer
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
