he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Im part way to drunk.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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