just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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