If i come over, it means nothing
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
