So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I believe in your delicious
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
