Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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