Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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