Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
