weddingsv make me drug and hornr
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
