I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize
