u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
