I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
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That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.