I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
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Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.