seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.