What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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