just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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