My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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