In America we eat man semen.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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