the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
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We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I DEMAND FORESKIN
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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