She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
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I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
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I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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