Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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