I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
