Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
