my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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