Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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