This is not my ceiling
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dear god my vagina.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
