Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
