When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
