I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
