it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
even my farts smell like vagina
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
