What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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