he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
