Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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