I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
