ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
