sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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