I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
