Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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