so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
