she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
