I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
