another moral hangover. fuck.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
