chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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