Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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