Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
a search helicopter?!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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