chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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