I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
