cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
