weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
