In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
