I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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