I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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