my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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