I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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